Sunday, 1 July 2018

My Insecurity (Depression)

Many people always ask :-
Why do i always keep all my thought by my own?
Why I try not to be a bad people?
Why i don't sound out my opinion?
Why I always try to pleased others people?
Why I don't sound out what i want and kept all by my self?
Why do i always be the one who been bullied and the list go on  and on.

How would you react if you are me back then? :-
You grown up from an abusive mother :-
Whack you with whatever she reach such as:-
Belt, rubber pipe, wood, rotan etc etc etc
Swing a 3 pin plug with wire and the plug directly land on your scull (Imagine cowboy with the rope)
Grab your hair and swing your head to wall
Used chily padi to rub your eye nose and mouth
Locked you in a dark room
Tie one of your leg with steel chain with the length only able you to reach the toilet and bed (Imagine dog tied with a chain)
Iron your leg with hot iron till your skin is badly burned

What if your mom passed away by hanging her self when you are only 6yo?
Gladly shes dead, if shes not dead, i guess I'm the one who will be dying at young age due to her abusive behavior.

What if you are sexually abused during childhood?
A young man from my village asked me to show I'm my private parts in exchange for playing his Gameboy for awhile.

What if you grow up in a quite poor family?
Father working as a laborer (rm 80 a day) and many many expenses need to be paid such as, household utilities, babysitting fees for my baby sister, paying housing loan, car loan and the list go on and on and on.

During all the above hard times, I'm staying with my dad and also his mother (my granny which i call her Ah Maa) in a chinese village located at Ampang.

When I'm loosing my mother at 6yo, we had move in and staying together with her since then. During that time, I'm having a quite happy childhood which not all kids able to experience.
Growing up in a village which able me to climb mango, mangosteen tree, accompanying my granny to her farm to feed the chicken, watering her vegies and also harvesting. Cycling around the village with a bunch of kids, playing guli, ting-ting, hide and seek at a different child home every evening, having home cooked meal every day, roaming around the village by my own and visiting her's and his house.

I guess I'm treated in a different way since the death of my mother. I guess all the villagers knows my mother had died and I'm pity maybe. All of them treated me nicely.

But at the same moment, because lack of love from parents (mom died early, dad busy working to support our life) actually no one teaches me how to manage my feelings, no one teaches me how to protect my self, no one teaches me how to react when someones bullies me.

I'm scared of rejection, I'm scared of loneliness, I'm scared of saying good bye.

Once i still remember I hide my Singapore uncle passport because i don't want him to go back to Singapore. End up I'm badly scold by my father.

Once i scared my friend don't want to play with me, so they asked me to do all kind of unpleasant thing and i followed.

A few of my friend has Game Boy, Tamagotchi and also PS which is quite famous by that time but they never lend other people to play unless is their siblings. I'm only able to watch them play but never put my hand on it. Going back to the sexual abuse topic above. One day, a big brother, probably a few years older than me (I'm in primary school and his at 2nd-ry) asked me ''you wanna play? i saw you looking at my Game Boy for awhile already. Come to my house and ill lend you.'' So then i followed. His parents is not around and so he asked me properly. ''Take off your pants, let me see and ill lend you play'' I stupidly follow his command. Luckily he only see using his eyes, without doing anything more than just seeing with his eyes. After he see's for awhile, not long maybe not more than a minute. then i put up my pants and played his Game Boy for awhile...Few minute i guess. I feel so uncomfortable and i left. Then i relies is not the correct way of doing so. I feel shy and so stupid. And now if i saw him, I'm not able to look him by his eye. I feel hatred. I hate him, how can him asked me to do such thing those time. And i hate my self for being so stupid!

Once my so called friend showed me their new toys but don't let me to play with them. I just quietly sit there and watch them play. End up I stole my granny money and walk my self to the nearby mall, crossing big road with many cars, risking my little life just to buy the similar toys.

Once i saw my school friend has those fancy stationary box i end up doing the same thing again. Stealing money from my granny and buying it my self from the mall.

I scared to ask from my father to buy me those thing because i know his financial is very tight. But as a child, what we know? We only want what we want.

End up, one day, my granny found out. She tells my father and guess what? I have been scold and beaten quite bad.

I do well in academic. From primary to secondary. I do attend lots of activity and also i likes to perform on stage by that time. But is devastated to look at other kids parents always accompany them, giving support to them and also loves them. When I'm performing, my dad never attend. He will said ill try to make time but he cant. I keep on looking for him on stage, where he sit but never saw him.

I want conformation from everyone, i want everyone to tell me that I'm capable for doing such and such things. That's why i always being the good child at school, the best gred and also the best student.

Once a teacher told me,

"Girl, you need to know that your daddy is very hardworking and he loves you. Please study well, get good job and treat him well when he is old''

Thank you Teacher and i will always try my best to give what i can to my dad. And also thanks for waking me up.

Based on my gred, i can easily apply for college or even going to F6 and continue my studies at a local university. But i choose to finish my SPM and going out to the society to work so then my dad don't need to stress himself for paying for my studies and so he can use the little extra money for himself and also supporting my little sister who are 6 years younger than me.

Maybe the lack of certain thing makes me behave that way.

My truly loved person who is not here is my Granny. She accompany me during my childhood, she takes care of me during all those days. Feed me, bathe me, sleep me while my father is so busy looking for money. Shes my everything during that time. She will bring me to pasar and let me choose whatever toys i want. She will cook me food that i like, she will feed me whenever i feel i dont want to eat by my self, she will let my sleep with her if i wanted to, she will tell me all her old folks stories from her birthplace (China) to Japanese war very day if i wanted to, she will nag me if im lazy to wake up, she will roam around the village to look for me when im not home for dinner yet, she will bathe me if i feel im lazy to, She teaches me how to stitch, how to cook and how to self manage without loosing her patience. She never scolded me and never ever beat me...Whet she does is only nag. That's why I love her so so so much.

One day, shes sick, coughing for so so so long time and every morning, her phlegm has blood, so me and my dad (both of us taking leave from work and school) bring her to government clinic then to hospital. From HUKM to HUKM clinic to Pusat TIBI Negara to HKL to Selayang Hospital at last. Shes was diagnosed with lungs cancer at 83 years old. During the last 2 years, only me and my dad brings her to the hospital for monthly check-up. She has 8 sons and daughter-in law but no one lend in their hand to help us.

By that time, my dad also do go through a lot difficulties. From argument from his siblings, financially and so so on. One day, some land developer found us and they said they had bought our land {For building condos (Now named AMPANG PRIMA))  which mean we need to move out soon before they demolished my granny house. Granny is age 80+ and with serious illness of course, lots of her son's is staying on landed house but all of them giving excuses for not bring back their mom to stay with them. End up we do take back granny and she need to stay with us at a small unit of shop lot house and need to climb stairs obviously...3 level, 5 rows of steps, 9 steps a row equal to 45 steps a trip...means at least 90 steps of stair a time if she leave our home. so so inconsiderate.

I still remember the hing i regret the most. When im 12yo, Granny of course staying with us at the shop lot. She asked me to accompany her to the hypermarket below our house (because theres too many staircase and she will forgot which staircase is leading to our home. But i rejected her because im lazy that time, im still so so foolish and feels shes annoying, that so little thing also need me to accompany, cant she just go down by her own and come back her own.?! The day after tomorrow, she mopped our floor, and in a sudden, she slipped and she hurt her back. From that day on, her health is going bad so so fast, in less than a week, shes was bed ridden in hospital. In and out the hospital for whole month and till the end, doctor already ask us to bring her back and let her spend the rest of her day back home. It hurts me so so so much remembering those hard time, even now im tearing while typing all these out.

She went home finally, bedridden, cant control her own bowel, cant eat by her own, cant chew.
Shes only able to drink porridge and also wears adult drypers.
Her daughter-in law will come and bathe her every day, cook for her every day and also me and my dad is the only person staying with her at night. So we do need to keep a very close eye on her.
Luckily we meet a very good Doctor from Hospital Selayang. He arranges some doctor and nurses to come and visit us every 3 days (Hospis Malaysia) and let us to lend anything we want from oxygen bubble bed to wheel chair to adult potty.

After 2 months coming back from the hospital. On one particular day, my granny seems very energetic, she manage to sit uo her own and ask for food, she wanted to walk and talked a lot. Im so so so thrilled and happy that time. But it doesn't takes long. A day after, she was coma and 1 night before shes leaving us, her hand became icy, her nails started to became purple and till the very last moment, her eyes is not fully closed, shes grasping for air. For a moment, the air grasping is so so hard and one last breath the take, she puked some blood and she's gone.

Actually it takes me a lot lot lot of time to accept her death. Previously while shes still here, ill come back home from school, saw her napping at our living room and ill great her. Ill still doing so even after she had passed away for more than 6 month.

Never forget my dad. He was my hero as well.

Maybe all of the above makes me became me this day.

Currently im 26, happily married to my husband and we had a 5yo girl and also a 1.5yo son together.

I went through a lot during those days but all those unpleasant memories makes me became me these days.

Please dont judge me if you dont knows my stories. I never tell anyone about this and i have been keeping this for my own for more than 20 years.

I will try my best to give my kid as much as i can. I will try my best to not giving my kids hard time that i had experience.I want the best for them also my family member.